Monologue - Namak Swad Anusar

Namak Swaad Anusar

Humse jhoot bola gaya hai bachpan se ki... Jis chiz mein mann lage... Jis chiz ki lagan ho, use itna kar do ki usme expert ho jao... Ragad dalo bilkul. Vahi kahawat "Karat Karat abhyas te; something something meri jaan... Karle humse ekbar pyar ki meethi baatein char". But nobody tells us, ki sirf ek chiz mein expert hone se zyada behtar hai ap sampoorna total-tich human being bane. Nahi samjhe???

Bhai zyadti (excess) to har ek chiz ki kharaab hi hoti hai... Everything. Hadh se zyada music sunne se kaan kharab ho jaate hain. Hadh se zyada singing/riyaaz se permanent voice damage ho sakta hai. Hadh se zyada butter chicken/momos khaane se pet me ulcer hoga hi hoga. Chalo ye to fir bhi thik hai. Kuchh bande hadh kar dete hain nashe karne ki... Ap sabne vo log dekhe hi honge apne aas pass... Ya pados mein ya sadak pe chalte firte. Mujhe lagta hai ye log challenge sa le lete hain... Ki bhai mujhse zyada koi kar ke dikha de. Isi chiz me hi sahi par no. 1 aakar maanunga.

Kuchh saal pehle mere saath kya filam hui batata hu. Main apne mom dad ke saath aagre(agra) gaya hua tha, apni naani ke yahan. Meri cousin ki engagement thi. Hum vahan vaise zyada jaate nahi hain, bachpan mein khoob jana hota tha... Fir high school mein aane ke baad ek-adh baar hi jana hua hoga. Unke yahan bhi kuchh na kuchh family issues chalti rehti thi to... Mummy bhi irritate hokar kam hi jaane lagi fir.

So, as i was saying hum vahan pahunche, sabse mile vile... thodi der baad main Zara aas paas ghumne nikal gaya, samajh jao (gestures to smoke a cigarette). To thoda sa dur jaakar main ek shop pe ruka... To kisi ne mere kandhe pe tap kiya. Main muda to ek bhikari sa tha, thoda mental case bhi lag raha tha kuchh. Maine na bolke use jaane ko bol diya.. par nahi, dobara vo saamne se ghumkar aaya aur mere chehre ko pakad liya aur mujhe gaal pe kiss kar liya usne. Fir gale lagane laga.. mujhe to ghinn aa gayi.. maine kaha "hattt.." dhakka vakka de diya maine use.. "pichhe ko marr ja pagal se, marunga bahut".

Bhai mujhe bahut zyada gussa aa gaya tha. Uske ek do chamaat laga diye.. kuchh aur log bhi the vahan, unhone bhi haath saaf kar liye isi bahane (enacts punching and kicking). Tab dukaan vaale ne chhudwaya usko.. bola ki bhai bhikari vikari nahi hai, yahin ka local banda hi hai. Nashedi hai, dhutt rehta hai hamesha, kuchh galatfehmi ho gayi hogi. Main bhi gusse mein hi tha... Galatfehmi hui hogi apne ghar... To pappi le lega kya. Yaar... Ganda lagta hai.

Aap bata do aapki koi aise sadak chalte pappi le lega to bura nahi lagega. Maaroge ya nahi usko. Vo bhi aisa ghinona sa. Itni der me to vo goli ho gaya vahan se. Time aur waste kar diya tha usne, cigarette tak nahi pi thi maine.

Khair usually is topic par log apni kahani ya apna struggle sunaate hain. Par main aisa kuchh nahi karne vala. Kyunki the smarter thing to do would be, to learn from others mistakes and your own experiences. And I did exactly the former.

Baad mein, main ghum phir ke vapas nani ke ghar pahuncha to dekha ki 4-5 log andar se nikle. Mujhe laga rishtedar honge. uppar se gaanv dehat mein har dusra jan aapka rishtedar nikalta hai. So just in case, maine sabko namaste kiya aur andar jaakar dekha aur....aur. chakshu (eyes) mere phate ke phate reh gaye bhai... Vo log usi bhikhari ko utha ke ghar phenk ke gaye the. Maine puchha "ye??" tab nani ne bataya vo bhikari aur koi nahi mere mama the. Mera sagaa mama. Ma ki kasam. Bachpan mein to aise nahi the ye.. kaun pehchanega yar... Aisi matt-maili kambal, badhi hui daadhi. Phate kapde... Hey bhagwan mera dimag phatt jaega. 

Achha... Tabhi inhone meri pappi le li thi !! Par ye aise... Kaise???

Fir nani ne mamaji ka drug abuse vala video tutorial shuru kiya. "Hey friend welcome to NINE NASHE KE NUSKHE WITH NANI aaj hum janenge how mamaji got stoned", literally... logo ne patthar maare the ek dafe Unhe, itna bura haal tha unka. Nani ne bataya ki unke dost, uth-Beth aise logo mein thi.. fir thoda thoda kar ke latt lag gayi.. fir office me ladai jhagde karke inki naukri gayi, usse paise aane band ho gaye. Paise aane band huye to nasha karne ke liye paise nahi, phir dheere dheere aas padosiyo se udhaar. Fir ghar pe jhagde.. maar-peet.. biwi bachhe chhod gaye. Kayi baar rehab bhi bheja, par wapas aakar fir vahi sab chalu. Uske baad latt majburi lachari ban gayi, vo vali state ki agar nahi karega to shayad mar jaega insaan aur bahut hi dheere se ye ek achha khaasa aadmi aagre ki sadko ka ek bhikari ban gaya. 

Ye sab suna suna sa lag rha hai na.. hum sabhi ne ye is tarah ki kahaniyan apne aas paas dekhi ya suni hui hain. Itna common hai ye sab hamari society mein ki usual si baat lagne lagi hai. Itne saare log nashe ki wajah se apni puri zindagi barbaad kar lete hain. Apni to chalo unki khud ki hai par unke saath, unki wajah se, baqiyo ko jo roz taqleef hoti hai, uska kya? 

Meri nani bechari rone lagi aur uska kuchh ilaaj bhi nahi hai. Roz ye bhikhari subha nikal jata hai... Pagalo ki tarah bhatakta hai, phir shaam ko ise koi ghar pe phenk jata hai. Koi kuchh nahi kar sakta. Ab ye topic aise hain ki koi isme chah kar bhi comedy nahi dhundh paata par dost tragedy mein comedy nikal hi aati hai. vaise to mujhe hasee aani nahi chahiye par dikkat ye hui ki is waqt bhi mamaji itne nashe mein the ki aankhe khol kar behosh pde the aur hotho'n pe halki si muskaan se meri taraf hi dekh rahe the. Is bnde ko koi farak nahi hai ki kal iski ladki ki sagaai hai. Nope... ise apna mast pina hai aur udna hai. Gharwalo'n ka thakk haar ke chhod dena bhi justified lagta hai aise mein. Unki shakal dekh ke meri hasee chhut gayi. Meri nani confuse ho gayi kya manhoos ladka hai ye mere aansuon par hass raha hai badtameez.

Agle din engagement hui. Gharvalo ne Mamaji ko dho maanj ke.. achhe kapdo me wrap kar ke ek kone me betha rakkha tha. Vo bhi majburi mein, bhyi ladki ka baap hai, chaar log puchhte hain so... Par majaal hai agle ko vahan se hilne diya ho. Baad me ring ceremony vagehra hui. Main vahin stage pe khada tha.. vahan se maine mamaji ko dekha, dur bethe dekh rahe the apni ladki ki sagaai.. ankho'n mein aansu bhare. Ajeeb laga mujhe. Taras sa aaya.. unki bhi kya hi galti hai bechare ki, vo to khud victim hain is latt ke. Aur in cases mein log us insaan ko dosh dene lagte hain jabki usko to khud madad ki zarurat hai. Hate the crime not the criminal. Par main bhi kya hi kar sakta tha.

Mujhe apne us din ke behaviour par thoda ajeeb sa bhi lag rha tha.. to baad me main do cup coffee lekar chupchap unke pas jaakar baith gaya. Kaafi der betha raha infact. Phir jab vahan se uthkar jaane laga tab vo kuchh baddbadae... phir bole.. dekh le mera haal. (Pause) Cigarette Mat piya kar. Main tab rokne hi aaya tha tujhe. . (Pause)

Goosepimples... Mujhe bhi yahi hua tha. anyway mujhe do chiz samajh aai is trip se. Ek to Main unhe judge kar raha tha, which is unfair. Duja ye ki ye alcohol aur drug abuse se ek aadmi ki puri life barbaad ho gayi. It's a big price to pay, for a little fun. Also not fair.

And yes maine unki baat maan li.